4got Im gonna Die

4Got I’m gonna Die

4Got it'll all be over

In the wink of an eye

Death will tap my shoulder

Those days when I’m at work 

Just sitting  passing time  

unmotivated at best; trying not 2 try

4Got I'm going 2 die—

When I’m stuck in traffic 

Or telling a bold faced lie

This fact still slips my mind

4Got my time will come

They’ll speak about my actions

Did he love? Did he give?

What were peoples' reactions?

Whether I’m lying 2 myself
or lying 2 my spouse

Ignoring the ones I love

At odds with God above

It's just another time
When I
4Got I’m gonna die

And people will remember

The way I lived my life

So got 2 do things better

But I wash it from  my mind
like all the other times

And the clock just keeps on ticking (4Got I'm gonna die)

My behavior can still be sickening

Sitting staring in the mirror
(4Got I'm gonna die)

All the while it's moving nearer

So....

Don't 4get Ur gonna Die
And find the reason why
U were born 2 be alive

It's up 2 U 2 find
Until it is your time
2 say that one goodbye

Don't 4get Ur gonna Die

Year gone by......

See how things have changed and why. (Sigh)

Knocked down with a single stroke

And a year gone by (sigh)

I took talking and walking 4 granted

So speaking my mind or holding my tongue and dancing

Took eating for granted or simple things like a shower

Now I’m fasting; hoping some way- some how, it'll empower

her 2 eat

Still figuring  a way 2 Give UP my Strength
Just 2 transfer strength to her

Year gone by (sigh)

I can hear the wheeze  
She's talking to me ...
Breathe ..   sigh..   wheeze...  speak..

Year gone by... (sigh)

Thinking about how she spends her days
Brings haziness 2 these misty eyes.  

 Sit, Pray or Meditate --either way...
It's the hope for change

Year gone by (sigh)

And things still not the same

Will they ever get much better?

Still spending nights trying to make deals with a God who doesn’t make deals

But far be it from me to stop wishing 
In hopes of changing her condition

One year gone by (sigh)

keep up the fight.

Sleepwalking

Sleepwalking while I'm sleepwalking

During the night? No during the day

You'd think it'd be the other way

Texting -- not talking 

4 anything I need 2 say

Communication is coming 

2 an end in this new age

Far from your touch 

Your far from mine

Hold my hand, not much

Cant recall the last time we hugged

Something's not right

Sleepwalking through life 

But not much at night

 Sleepwalking past my wife

Is that my wife? I wouldn't know

Somebody teach me what it's like 2 show

Love

Comes easy 2 some

4 others it runs

Sleepwalking right past 

The chance

You

R so opposite from me

Not the Yin and the yang

more like

Thunderstorm meets Cool Breeze

Sleepwalking through life

Out of fear of reality

Safer to sleep than be me

Lie

2 U more than U me

Lose my grip, hastily

One day I will learn to sleep 

Until that night

Sleepwalking I will be

U dont want 2 be like me.

MEME

I could make a Meme

That will make it seem

Like u and I sit in between

Heaven and hell

oh yes, do tell

What do you mean

When U make that Meme

Poking fun at little ol' me 

:-(

No that's not a frown

Ur just looking at it from upside down

Or inside out

u sit and pout 

or laugh at me 

with your MEME

What if a Meme could make a sound?

Can we make a meme soft or loud?

Can a Meme have taste?

Run, or Chase?

Instead of a Meme

Just talk 2 me

Atleast it's a bit of humanity

Look around there are Memes

-- in every aspect of your life

Your perspective of the world

-- is the origin of your strife

 Ok Thats a Meme I like to see

But maybe I take things 2 seriously

Not electric tones 

From sonic phones

Sending messages thru the airwaves, 

Where photos float and letters roam

I'll say it again 

Don't be so mean 

With your Memes

Even the ones that I find funny

The world today is quick 2 say your being discriminatory

The mere acccusation of hate speech against me

Is hate speech too 

When your standing where I be

Put that in your Meme  

Or in your text or On your wall  

Your Instagram, Your virtual world 

Which means nothing 2 me.

This Meme 
U read
is 4 u 2 see
Something else
U didnt see.

V

"V"

Vehemently

Vehemently
Vehemently
I suppress

Vehemently
Vehemently
Vehemently
I decompress

Vehemently
Vehemently
Vehemently
Until depressed

Now it's time u heard the story

The vast turbelence that follows me
Controlling ; unjustly
these tendencies

Vehemently at

A tender age
Then the Rage

defiled at 10 
then

Set on the course towards 
Veiled normalcy

Mentality mashed
Innocence vanished

Vanished
Vanished
Vanished 

Vengeance
 Does nothing in this lifetime or the next

Veiled 

Are my tendencies and seemlessly hexed.

Vehemently
Vehemently
Vehemently
I decompress

Then gaze at the reasons
The seasons 
That have passed

Vexed
Hexed

A life sentence
no repentence 

battling the repurcussions

of what you did 2 me

V

 

Uncle Dan the Man

      Twenty years ago -- October 2, 1997 one of my favorite Uncles  "Dan The Man" Martinez passed on after being stricken with cancer.  He was a special guy in many ways and was loved by all his nephews and nieces.  Today I will share a little bit of why he and I had a special bond.

     From 1987 to 1989, during my high school years, I had a habit of stopping by my Grandma's house late at night on the weekends to visit with him.  Ok, I admit I often showed up with some of my buddies or maybe some girlfriends to try and bribe him into buying us beer.  If he did, we would buy him a six pack of his beer of choice- 'Milwaukees Best', which ironically was THE WORST.  Don't believe me? Go taste it.  Uncle Dan always proclaimed "I don't drink nothing but the best" as he grinned and pointed to his can of beer. 
        
     Now just to backtrack, my earliest memory of him traces back to a time when he had a  black and gold Trans Am.  Yes, just like the one Burt Reynolds drove in "Smokey and the Bandit"!  Hey, it was the 70's and that was the coolest car anyone could have.  Still bad ass in my opinion.  I still remember one time sitting in the back seat terrified with my heart racing fast as he sped so fast downhill that I was sure we were going to crash!  I nearly peed myself and I don't recall wearing a seat belt either -- how times have changed.  Of course, he was smiling and laughing the whole time. Back then he had a good paying job at John Deere, a wife, and a son named Christopher.  I don't know all the details of how he lost his job, divorced, and eventually lost contact with his son, and at this point it doesn't really matter.  I only bring it up because there was one night when I was hanging with him and we got to talking about life a little more seriously than we normally would. 
     
     It was probably midnight on a Saturday and he had made some of his infamous popcorn.  This is popcorn he made on the gas stove in a pan with oil and popcorn kernals-- he had to shake the pan as it was popping.  Old school popcorn, none of this microwave popcorn or air popped crap.  He than would get a paper grocery bag and roll the sides down a little bit, dump the popcorn in, douse it in salt and melt a whole stick of butter (maybe two) and drench that popcorn, and shake it up.  You would see the patches of wetspots thru the outside of the bag from the oil or butter.  This popcorn was legendary 'Dan the Man' popcorn and hard to replicate.



 As we talked that night he began sketching pictures and told me about how he used to draw back when he was in High School.  I watched and saw his drawings come to life, he actually was pretty damn good and I had no idea he had that talent.  We continued chatting and as usual I was laughing at one of his many cut downs or jokes.  He had a knack for saying the right thing at the right time to make you just crack up laughing.  

 But, for a few moments on this night our conversation changed as he got a little more serious.  He confided in me about how much he missed his son and how he would do anything to have another chance to see him again.  I could see he had a deep longing for a relationship with Christopher.  All the while, he was still drawing away as he was talking to me about all of this.  I remember thinking man maybe those days of him cruising in that Trans Am were  some of the best days of his life.  But I knew he had good times after that, because all the family holidays and get togethers at Grandmas- not to mention the 85' Bears Superbowl, were all good times too. Then again all of those things may be fine but still do not erase the feelings or depression involved with life situations.  We all learn that as we get older.  

      Alright stop, it is not all grim, really our conversation did not stay too serious too long because Dan the Man didn't roll that way. 

DAN THE MAN PHOTOBOMB

     He was the nickname king...I think he played a hand in giving his nieces and nephews alot of thier nicknames, and  there were so many of us Bubbers, Boo, Coo, Head, Boy, Cheekamokes, Larsh,Doo Doos, City,--they all know who they are.  He even nicknamed a few of the girls I took over on the weekends, Kate was 'kitty kat' and Toni was "lips".  If he didn't have a nickname for you he probably just called you a dork!  My buddies used to call him "Cheech" because he reminded them of Cheech from'Cheech n Chong'. 

Most of the time he would be the first person you saw walking into Grandma's back door.  Crouched down with his head looking out the window, he'd greet you with a snide comment or cut down that would make you both laugh-- all out of love, the way families love.  I remember my mom would make him one of his favorite dishes for his birthday-- Meatloaf.  Uncle Dan had a personality that would just bring smiles to everyone because he was so damn funny and quick with the one liners or comebacks.  I still remember when he used to call my house and say "where's your fat mom at?" and then he would chuckle."  Or he would say something to make fun of me and I'd laugh at myself.  It was common for him to have one of my cousins go get a beer for him from the fridge and after they handed it to him, instead of saying thank you, he might say "okay, get outta my face" and we would all laugh.  All of us boys remember receiving the bullet from him! (ouch)

     With so many of his brothers and sisters having kids, he took care of most of his nephews and nieces at one time or another taking on babysitting duties so we all  have our "Dan the Man" memories.  

 After I moved to Texas, I would come back and visit once or twice a year and I still remember Uncle Dan was always one of the first people to call me when I got into town.  He would ask what my plans were, when was I going to go visit and I always made it a point to make sure I got to see him during my stays. 
     
The tragic loss of our cousin Alisha  tore him up inside and a few years later he was was stricken with cancer.   
I remember my Aunt Anna and I drove from Texas to visit him in the hospital.  A few weeks after I got back he passed away and I wasn't able to go return for his funeral.       

   
     I often wonder how cool it would be to have him here still, so he could see how everyone is now all grown up with kids of our own.  To all my younger cousins who weren't lucky enough to meet 'Dan the Man', you would have loved him.  He was a special guy that always made you laugh. I guarantee you he'd have a nickname for you too.  Well, he probably has one waiting for you in heaven.  Get ready. 

   

Remembering Uncle Phil: Primetime

      My Uncle Phil was many things to many people.  A caring son, a respected Brother, a dedicated Father and Husband, a trusted Lawyer, and an Uncle I looked to up to with admiration.

       As long as I can remember Uncle Phil seemed to have this ability to easily read people. Simply put, he could tell when somebody was full of crap.  I recall many times watching him as he sat across a table eating and having a conversation with someone.  He would be nodding his head with this sly grin on his face making his trademark smacking sound while he ate; then every minute or two he would mutter "oh, ya", to let the person know he was listening.  Little did they know he was also measuring the authenticity of what they were saying.  He would ask alot of questions and at times it seemed like he was a skeptic but in all actuality it was because he was smart and was trying to find the logical reason or answer to the situation. 
     I smile as I remember many funny moments as a teenager watching and listening as he would indulge our Uncle Joe "Yo-Yo" (God rest his soul) who would talk about conspiracies.  Stories of government cover ups or secret mob crimes that Uncle Phil would get a chuckle out of because he would poke holes in the story or make points to unravel the conspiracy and point towards more logical reasons behind events. Of course me and my adventurous mind, I believed the conspiracies! But not Uncle Phil, he was a thinker.  Looking back now I can clearly see the way his mind worked and combined with his keen sense for reading people it only makes sense that he would eventually become a successful attorney.

      Like everyone in our family, Uncle Phil had nicknames,some given during childhood others later in life. Family nicknames like Philly, Felipe Larou, Stink, Felipe Sparks, or skid-mark. But the one nickname that really says it all is "Primetime". 

         Uncle Phil was the first in our immediate family to graduate from College.  But that was just the first of many steps he walked on his path towards success.  He then went on to Law school and earned  his Law degree.  Next he passed the Bar exam to become a lawyer.  Now these are not easy feats.  There is a lot of hard work, effort, committment, time, stress, and hurdles to overcome.  I know that Phil, like all of us, grew weary or discouraged at times, but he pressed on and put the work in to complete the tasks at hand to reach his goals.                                                                                                                                                 
He accomplished things that his father, brothers, and many of us in our immediate family didn't, couldn't, or never tried to do.  Make no mistake- everyone in our family is successful in many different ways and we all have our own accomplishments or talents to be proud of. In fact two of Phil's nephews also have College degrees, and one a Masters.  They too worked hard to reach thier goals.  But guess what?  We don't call them "Primetime".
     My kids asked what does Primetime mean?  I tried to simplify it for them by explaining prime time televison.  That time of day when television stations play thier best shows. The programs they invest the most money, time, and talent into.  Primetime is when everyone is watching. It's when your in the spotlight. Many of these primetime shows become household names and are recognized as being the best of the best. They are often critically acclaimed or win awards because they have set a certain standard of excellence. 

Similarily, Uncle Phil- a.k.a."Primetime" set the standard in our family.  In his educational feats, professional stature, and his example as a Son, Brother, Uncle, Husband and Father.  He earned the nick name Primetime because he set the bar high! 


His Father, my Grandpa, always encouraged us to get an education. He was always in our corner encouraging us and preaching that education and hard work will pay off.  "You can do anything you set your mind to." he would say.  When Uncle Phil graduated and became a Lawyer my Grandpa could not have been prouder.  Even years later when Phil was well into his profession he would speak about his son "the lawyer" a.k.a. Primetime with great pride.  Thinking about it now I realize that everything our Grandpa told us about getting an education, setting goals, working hard, and focusing; came into fruition in Uncle Phil.      

And even though some of us would refer to him as "Primetime" he was very humble about his accomplishments.  He was most proud of the family he  created with his wife Darla and children Sam and Olivia.  For they are where his heart resides and they are where his love and legacy will continue to grow. 


Rest In Paradise Uncle Phil , Until we meet again......