Thank you,thank you

Shaking just shaking . Rolling just rolling . The tears are flowing just flowing . My body mind and soul are lost somewhere in between feeling and not feeling -not numb but not alive . Time to say goodbye. Time to move on to the next world . You did good things in the first and your being rewarded up in heaven.   Wish I could have seen u one last time smiling at me and surprising me with a funny remark -u never dissapointed with your quick whit.  Thank you for all the wisdom ..for all the love ...all the time.. For showing me what a strong family man is . I want to be like you , it's the most that I can do. I don't want to do my best. I want to do your best because your best is so much better. I Can't wait until we meet again. Until that time Thank u thank u❤️

Nails

When I was fifteen I went through a time of rebellion and confusion.  I was at a place where the road I was on was leading me towards nowhere, except maybe more trouble. In times like this you usually learn the hard way and are worse off.  But sometimes somebody will step up and help steer you away from your destructive path.  For me, that person was my Grandfather, or as we called him "Gramps".

     It was the summer of 1987 and because of my actions, not only was a I heading towards my Junior year of High School, but  I would be living under a new roof , attending a new school, in a new city and unbeknownst to me -- heading towards a whole new direction.  Why? Because I was moving into my grandparents house and "Gramps" quickly laid down the rules and expectations.  I learned and changed a lot during the two years I lived there.  But it all started that summer.

     Not too long after I moved in Gramps came home with a van full of scrap wood.  They were all different lengths and sizes.  He was planning on building a woodshed in the backyard and knew a guy who let him take their scrap wood.  Yeah Gramps always knew somebody or had a connection.  He had me help him unload all the wood and we laid it on the ground in the driveway in front of the garage. It was a lot of wood and because it was scrap wood it had nails sticking in and out of it --some more than others, some straight and others bent, some rusted.  He looked at me and said "tomorrow your going to pull all the nails out of the wood while I'm at work and you need to have it done before I get home".  I told him okay, but in my head I was thinking "What the heck? I can't do this".  And to make matters worse I wasn't exactly the handy man type.  I mean to be honest, I didn't know my way around hammers, nails, or tools in general.

     The next morning he reminded me of my chore for the day.  He had made a makeshift table for me with a piece of plywood and  two wood saw horse stands.  After he left for work, I put on my bandanna and went outside.  It was hot -the air thick.  I reached down to pick up the first piece of wood.  It had a nail jammed in it that was completely bent.  I struggled to straighten out the nail and tried to ply it out --but could not.  I threw it down and picked up a different piece with a not so bent nail--I struggled with that one too.  "Dang", I thought to myself, "I am never gonna get this done".

     Some pieces had multiple nails too, so I started looking for some that looked easier --after a while of struggling and sweating I started to get better at it and eventually pried a few out. So I went back and picked up the first one with the completely bent up nail and began to hammer to straighten the bent side out and began working on it.  I sweated, jammed my fingers, got scratched up by the nail a few times , got frustrated and cursed -but I couldn't quit.  Gramps was expecting this to be finished.  At the same time I recall thinking "this is crap--why do I have to do this?--it's not my shed! and how come he didn't just go buy some brand new wood with no nails?".  So Somehow I managed to get the job done.  This was just the first of many jobs or "projects" as Gramps would call them, that I would work on while living there.                                    

Now as I look back I find symbolism in all I did that day.

     We will all struggle with issues in our youth, adulthood and all thru life.  These struggles vary from person to person --it can be health issues. marriage, raising a family, or a career.  These struggles or problems are much like those nails I was jarring from the wood that day. Some nails were easy to pull out but the majority were quite difficult--bent up --some rusty-- some nails larger than others--in life you find the same thing.

     That day when I began prying at those nails I thought for sure I could not do it.  But I  was able to overcome the difficult task. And now later in life I have overcome a few of the nails that have come my way--some nails are still stuck and little by little I am prying them loose.  It's hard. But it can be done. And I have come to realize that there is always more to be done because nails will spring up when you least expect them to..

I like to think that I myself was a bent up nail when I moved into my Grandpas house that summer.  But during that two year span that I stayed there he jarred me loose.  He jarred me loose from the path I was on so I could go forward.  So that  I could be strong enough to face the nails that would eventually come my way.

DNR DNR DNR DNR DNR DNR DNR DNR DNR DNR

DNR

Do not resuscitate.  Is that how you spell it ?  R -E -S- U- S -C- I -T- A- T- E.

You hear that phrase about a loved one and immediately your heart is heavy, slows, or speeds or skips a beat.  Do not?  Wait.....DO NOT??  That means if someone can't breathe - don't help them. 

Leave them be.  Let it go.  Let them go. Go where?  Not here, is all we really know.

Not in the same state of health or mind or physical being. Not in pain as we know it. Not in the struggle , not in the fight. Free yes Free. Free from this life.  Let me spell it again. R E S U S C I T A T E. It can mean what it means or something much more enlightening.  

Remember the nicknames, the smiles, the laughter, the quick one liners to the waitress or cashier. 

Enjoy the memories of watching movies with pizza n chicken, or tagging along to a G sale, in the Van 

Smile when you think of him, see his smile in your mind, hear his voice, listen, listen. Can you hear him? 

Understand all those lessons he tried to teach you.  Now that you've grown up a little you understand..

Sharing. Share the stories, share the lessons, share the memories and traditions with the next generations

Cry, even tho he told you not to cry for him, cry for yourself--someone said always cry for love never pain.

Intercede into others lives, like he interceded into yours.  Intercede and be a difference maker.

Talk.  Talk to people, to your kids, your family, talk about life, talk about faith and love and be thankful 

Appreciate  Just Appreciate all the good he brought your way. All those years.In all his own ways

Time.  He gave you his time. Remember? The time spent together. The greatest gift, his time.

Everyday.  He is with you every day.  When you speak, when you eat, when you joke, when you laugh, all of that is from him.  You have a part of him in your personality, your blood , your humor, your work ethic,

Everyday..........forever...HE IS .with  you.  DO NOT resuscitate yourself from that connection

AmbiennzzzDreamzzz

Short term memory sputtering like a beat down car suffocating on those last  flames.

                                               Tell me again what is your name?

Cold ambien crush every night..."drunk dad moments" my daughter vlogged. ---Vlog? Blog? 

 Where are these terms coming from?  Is it progress -regress- just plain nonsense.?

Ambienzzzz Dreamzzz 6 months and counting.... now I am struggling  

TO STOP.  This Strange drug one can love ---

Gets me into these AmbeinzzzDreamzzz

 9 out of 10 times - but brings no peace , well maybe 4 hours. illusionary shut eye.

Searching 4 the words, The thoughts to express 

Never realized thoughts and their worth, Til they were so hard to get

What happened to this boy's mind ?  Ambienzz long term effects are to be seen, no not yet.  Meanwhile, cant escape the filth that floats in the air ....roaming around from the mouths of others, the satellite tv's , the broadband width....no not from me,  it is the others!  -_-

 Can't shield the children let alone thyself  --Even the best intentions have this grain of greed itching for more wealth

 Selflessness I can't see.  Help me...someone screams. 

 Not me.  Do it all on my own,

the fault I fall on, like a hardened stone.

Lacking confidence in most things I do.all the unwritten songs, books or verses...

How can you feel that way?

When you been roaming this planet so damn long? he curses

45 years..cough, 46 .. how many of those had tears? fears? cheers? I regress

Got this ambien crush going on each night..."drunk dad moments" my daughter will vlog.

Vlog? Blog? where are these terms coming from? Is it progress or regress or just plain nonsense.

AmbienzzzzDreamzzz 6 months and counting.... now I am struggling  

TO STOP.  Strange drug strange love of, gets me into these AmbeinzzzDreamzzz 95% of the time, but brings no peace , well maybe 4 hours.    Good night. 

thought u was dead

Thought u was dead, thought u were done and gone long agoLike the deep dark night sky without a sun without a moon a dark pitcomplete. dead.That part, the art, the seeking of creationstriving for anything short of perfectionthought it was deadDead DeadRisen from the dead in in in in this headsparked from something someone else saidEven now after years of fatherhood and wedLifting himself up from out from withinpopping out his headI'm not dead.

Inside your shell

                                                          Inside your shell    

                                

     

 Come out of your shell.......That shell on your back slowing you down .......keeping your feet ......all stuck to the ground.  I

It's holding you back,....making you slack ---keeping you from your life's track. 

.Like a turtle your slow ----to reach your goals.  Do you even have a goal? Nobody knows.......

It weighs you down yet part of you likes it.  So you can hide in the crowds. Only yourself to fight with. ... 

Easier to be just another face, in a crowded hall, keeping to your routine, following them all.     The shell  is your  domain and keeps others away.  It's  a hiding place ---when stresses seem to overtake.  

A cave to retreat ...when safety  seems shaken. 

Yet keeps your soul from its true awakening.    

Keeping you away from the actualization 

Of your true purpose and destination.    

Safe and protective it seems ... Yet keeps you  away from your dreams..  

The protection you think it provides; actually eliminates your drive.     

Years gone in the past , now your old and weary --looking back at that shell; eyes teary.